Thursday, September 30, 2010

Queen Lesson 103

Clean Your Mental Closet and Find Your Queen Voice
* or *
Battling the Mongol Horde

Just look at you!! You've tamed that pesky Magic Mirror and feeling how beautiful you truly are! You're walking the walk and feeling pretty darn sassy! You Go Girl!!! Now it's time to work on the inner voices.

Do not for one minute underestimate self-talk. It can be positive or negative, but either way it is so powerful!! Think of your brain as a computer. It only knows what you tell it. So if you program it full of self-doubt and destructive thoughts, that's the kind of life you are going to be living. No fun!!! We women are our own worst enemies and it's time to get out of our own way already!!

So what are you telling yourself? I know you have mirrors mastered, but what about the rest of the time? Get out your notebooks and take a few minutes to think about things you say to yourself on a regular basis.

Are you saying things like:
I can't believe I can't ever remember to [whatever].
My butt looks so fat in my jeans.
I'm so stupid.
I'm never going to be able to do [whatever].
I blew my diet at breakfast, so I might as well eat what I want.
That 20 minutes of exercise last month didn't do anything, so why bother.
I can't do anything right.
I'm so clumsy.
I have no talent.
I'm never going to get a better job.

Blah, blah, blah!!!! How could anyone possibly be happy about themselves or their lives, with a constant diatribe like that going on?? Simple, you can't. And you know what else? It's lies. ALL LIES!!! But you need to stop it - this second! - so we need to fix it - pronto!!

* Crown Jewel *
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
- George Eliot

I love how the authors named these destructive, lying inner voices the Mongol Horde. They say, "It seemed like the perfect choice because, just like the voices in our heads, the Mongol Horde were wild, brilliant and unpredictable fighters with a take-no-prisoners policy." By naming them, you can not only silence their destructive power, but also change them into allies instead of enemies!! If they're such great fighters, don't you want them fighting for you, instead of against you?? Of course!

* Crown Jewel *
Fortunately, analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.
- Karen Horney

Just remember that these voices are lying to you and you need to really confront what it is you're saying to yourself. Just the practice of saying out loud the thoughts going through your mind is often enough to make you stop and realize how ridiculous some of them are! I'll bet you aren't stupid; at all. But how many times do you allow yourself to think that?? Once is too often!

We've all come across people that for one reason or another feel the need to "inform us" about our flaws and faults. Just jerky people who almost seem to revel in our failures, or what they see as failures. Whether it's a friend or family member, we recognize pretty fast that this is negative behavior and we don't like it, so we pull away because who wants to be constantly put down? I can't stand being around those kinds of people that never have anything good to say about anything or anyone! What an emotional drain they are!!!

* Crown Jewel *
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

So if you aren't going to tolerate it from others, why would you tolerate it from yourself? Doesn't make much sense, does it??

Practical Exercise:
Get a timer, or stop watch, and give yourself ten minutes of alone, quiet time. Just you and your Mongol Horde are invited. Because it is time to do battle and you are going to totally let them have at it...but just for ten minutes. Even if you feel silly, do it anyway. Because you need to confront them, once and for all. As negative thoughts come into your mind, say them out loud. And by all means, feel free to laugh your butt off at the truly ridiculous ones!! They hate that!!!! At the end of ten minutes, when they've hit you with all they've got, it's time to set 'em straight about how things are going to go from here on out! NO MORE negative thoughts are allowed and if they can't say something nice, then just zip it!! They are now fighting for you, not against you!!!

* Crown Jewel *
Life is not what it's supposed to be. It's what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
- Virginia Satir

Don't underestimate your Mongol Horde though! They are tricky and sneaky and can change tactics on you!!! Sometimes soft and reasonable sounding, they are going to try to get you back in your old patterns of thinking. Ever been on a diet, and find yourself rationalizing why one, small cheat is really OK? Uh huh, that's your Mongol Horde at work!! Be ever watchful of them to keep them in check!! They will tell you that you "deserve" an unhealthy snack, but what you really deserve is to feel great about yourself! Happiness is not found at the bottom of chip bag or a box of donuts. I've already looked there, so I'll save you the trip, lol! From the book: "Although they reside in your head and are really only your own feelings of worry, self-doubt and fear, you must regard the Mongol Horde as an external threat to your well-being." The simple act of naming them, out loud, makes them lose their power over you forever!

* Crown Jewel *
I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.
- Anna Freud

Just be aware that they will most likely be lurking about, waiting for an opportunity to strike when you are feeling low and vulnerable! But you've found your Queen Voice and can now laugh at them and send them running in retreat!! What a great gift for a Queen to give herself!!!

* Royal Proclamation *

Hear ye, hear ye, Academy Award-winning voices of the Mongol Horde! If you don't have anything good to say to me, then don't say anything at all. I banish all your negative and nasty talk. I, the Queen, decree it and so it shall be from this day forward.


slommler said...

Amen and amen!! Naming them is the most powerful weapon we have. It solidifies them and takes them out of hiding so we can kick their asses! I am armed and dangerous!
Queen in the making


You are so right! I went to a women's conference this weekend...and was reading my chapter for this week at night while we were there...and they were both basically saying the same thing....Negatives and just that...negatives. I am loving this book!

Regina said...

WOW...a wonderful post Jeannie. I read it twice to give myself some more power over the Mongol Horde. Not only did I take my 10 minutes and shouted my feelings but I wrote them down on my notepad. Once my time was up I took that little group, wadded them up and put them in the garbage. That's where they will stay and if they can't keep quiet or play nice then I will do it all over again. It felt GOOD!!!! Thank you...your words and lesson made them real and I can hit anything head on when it's real.

I don't have my book yet...#17 on the waiting list but I am going to enjoy these lessons until I do get to read...they will just give me that much more power and knowledge for my queen in training. Thank you.


Heatherlyn said...

I think our inner voices are often our greatest obstacles to accomplishing our dreams in life. LIfe is hard enough without our telling ourselves what all we can't do, be, have etc.

The older I get, the more OK with myself I am. And that is ironic, because of course I'm older, and not as young-looking nor do I have as much time and energy to accomplish things as I used to. And somehow that doesn't matter. If we could all just have the perspective on life and ourselves as teenagers that we have after we are middle-aged, and parents. :)

blueviolet said...

This is such beautiful advice. You are oh so sage!

Christina said...

I won my battle last night while my evil arch enemy hubby won in one as well. He chose a bad place for dinner last night but I only ordered a small meal yes small not med not large small and drank a diet drink because they had no unsweet tea. Take that mongol hordes I kicked your ever loving butt and I am ready for next time. and as punishment you will sit there and go to spin class!

Dee Crowe said...

That niggling inner voice is always the worst...but here's what I did to combat part of it: I found jeans that make my butt look fantastic, and I cut my hair...I used to walk around slump I walk around with head held high..

I am buying another book and giving it to a friend of mine...who really needs it....

Annie said...

The best advice ever!!! The 10 minute thing really works. I just have to make myself find time to do it, but it really works!