Thursday, June 25, 2009

Have a HAPPY period???

OK people, in case the title of this post didn't already give it away, this is gonna be a post about my periods. I think Iggy and Thomas are the only dudes that read my blog, but hey, this is fair warning, k? So don't be saying "oh ewwww! gross!!" in the comments. I'm in a lot of pain and I don't really want to hurt you. But I will if I have to.

I would just like to say that Kotex and Always can kiss my arse!! I do not and will not have a "happy period"!!!!!! It's impossible! And you just KNOW some a-hole MAN came up with that way-stoopid slogan too. If men would bleed out their butts every month for more than half their lives they would never have done anything so crass. Count on it!! It would also prevent the "on the rag" comments. They don't know - they can't know - so they assume we make it sound tougher than it really is. Listen up guys!! If my periods were any worse I'd be DEAD! DEAD!!!!!! That's not an exaggeration so stop rolling your eyes at me before I smack you on the back of your head!

I would also like to say that it's completely unfair that I even have periods!!! I've had my tubes tied and can't have any more children, so really, what's the point? Besides the fact that my periods are so damn bad that my whole world pretty much falls apart. Every.Stinkin.Month. For 7-8 days!! Every.Stinkin.Month. My first 24 hours I'm in so much pain I think I'm dying. Yes, really. It feels like I'm wearing a belt of pain, and I can't take it off. My kidneys scream for mercy as they're smooshed due the ballooning size of my stupid, old, now useless uterus. And flow? Holy crap!! We are talking the jumbo sized, with wings, "overnight" pads about every 30-40 minutes. Niagra Falls people!!!! A nasty, violent river of blood. Gross, gross, double gross!!!!!!

Yes, I said pads. And yes, they are grosser than gross. I would love to use tampons like I used to in my youth but somehow, some way my va-jay-jay (thanks alot - not! - for that term Oprah!) is all wonky-crooked or something, and can no longer support tampons for longer than 10 seconds without serious pain. I don't understand it either because my beloved is wayyyy bigger than some stupid tampon and no issues there! Weird. So I gotta use the pads. Just so I can SEE all the grossness that is menstration. Hmmm, it even starts with "men"!!!

And for relief? What relief?? Thermacare pads help a little. They are meant to go in the front, on your lower tummy. It's a nice idea......if my front, lower tummy were nice and flat like on the box. Instead it resembles a rather large, saggy, stretch-mark riddled hobo styled purse. And that stretched-marked skin is really thin, so it hurts like a mother when you take the pad off because it's not working through the inches of blubber between it and the stupid balloon inflated uterus causing all this crap. So I put it on my lower back instead and my kidneys don't hurt as much.

There's also Midol. They now have 12 hour "extended relief" pills. Uh huh. I pop two at once, so I'm covered for about 90 minutes. And by covered I mean I can keep from using my Pampered Chef knives to murder anyone speaking above a whisper, or otherwise annoying me. For 90 minutes. Why I don't have an ongoing prescription for perocet is beyond me!

It has been said that women have periods as a reminder of Eve's "curse". Now in this day and age we know all about bodily functions, etc. But I just wanna say that I have not, nor have I ever!, talked to any snakes nor eaten any forbidden fruits!!! So yeah, the cramping pain, the river of death flow, the bloating, the restless sleep, the smooshed kidneys, the frayed nerves...........oh yeah baby, I'm having one HAPPY period!!

Chocolate donations are now being accepted.

*** Update:
1. I finally dragged my sorry self upstairs. I made the bed, set out my clothes and took a longggggg, hotttttt shower. After getting out, I looked at the clothes and thought, nope! not gonna do it. So for those of you who were wondering, yes, members of royalty do have Jammie Days! I put the clothes away, (ok, ok I put them in the laundry basket full of clothes I haven't folded yet!), and put on clean jammies. I don't stink AND I made the bed. I am such a domestic goddess, aren't I??

2. Remember when I had my cook out celebration of the Creepy Family moving??? Yeah, wrong! They.Are.Still.Here. Louder and more rude than ever. I daydream about doing dastardly deeds done cheap. Thomas called and we were assured they must be out by Friday. That's tomorrow. Having been lied to twice already about the date, I am not holding my breath. Or my temper. That *insert worst cuss word you know here* better watch her step because I am just so over her craptasticness!!

3. I did get The Bella dressed. She's pissed because I get to wear jammies and she doesn't. The world is full of disppointment my dear - get used to it.

28 comments:

C. Louis Wolfe said...

VERY funny, although I'm grateful that I cannot relate, but I think guys have their own thing.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, I'd like to apologize if you misunderstood ANY of my humor- most people do.
:^(

I'll admit it takes some getting used to, but I'm harmless, really! Just ask the police. However, I'll abide by the court order & keep my distance.

Be well.

Amy said...

OH GIRL!!! YOu need to see about having an ablation done. I had my tubes tied also about 2 1/2 years ago and I also had this ablation procedure done. What it is, they 'burn' the inside of your uterus to remove the lining. I had horrible horrible periods, where I bled like a stuck pig, I kid you not. I had this procedure done and I swear to you I only have one day of SPOTTING and that is IT!!!!! I love it!! I highly recommend it, it's a simple procedure and it's one of the greatest things I have EVER done. I never wear pads much less tampons anymore and I used to have to wear BOTH and change them several times a day. Now all I need is a pantyliner.

Check out all about it here and I suggest you RUN to the phone to schedule one, you won't regret it : http://www.gynalternatives.com/ablation.htm

Celia said...

Heey,

I have terrible periods. I have found some relief if I give up coffee a few days before, and also consider researching a uterine ablation.

Intense Guy said...

Goodness. I'm sooooo at loss for a comment.

*goes and catches himself pulling up his fly repeatedly*

MaBunny said...

Oh I'm sorry you bad right now Jeannie. Periods just plain suck. Have you considered having an ablation? I had one after I had a blood lot - when i was going to be on blood thinners - and it reduced the flow , clots and most of the pain. Its something you might want to look into. Just saying.
/passes Jeannie a huge Toblerone!

Kristina P. said...

I hate periods too. Maybe you should go on that birth control where you only have 1 period a year!

Kristina P. said...

Oh, and I definitely want to buy those cards. What do I need to do?

Melissa Miller said...

Jeannie I kid you not I was exactly like you before I had the "Novasure" procedure done.
I haven't had a period in over two years now. If you are not having any more children seriously look into at your gyno.
It's a LIFESAVER!

~Good Luck. Sending chocolate thoughts your way my friend. ~Melissa :)

Brooke said...

you're 100 % right - that's the dumbest slogan in the world!

i am, however, thankful for birth control pills. light flow for 2 days, then extremely light flow for 2. i guess that's as happy as a period can get.

LadyStyx said...

Oh hunny, ya preachin to the choir on this one. Try having all that AND having a body that refuses to schedule it for the same time every month so you have no damn clue when it's gonna show up. You live in pads from the day that you're due until it actually shows up "just in case" all the way until you're done (which means a good 2 weeks late to as late as 2 months). Yeah fun times. No pain killers work AT ALL...not even a double dose of Vicodin (ask me, I tried it once). I use the Equate menthol patch (or the Icy Hot one if I'm feeling extravagant) around the front AND back AND still scream for my heating pad. The husband has taken to throwing cinnamon muffins in the livingroom before entering (because we simply CANNOT be the NORMAL woman and crave chocolate that time of month...oooh no...gotta be lemon or cinnamon and sometimes both!).

I find what sometimes helps is a nice pot of catnip tea. The stuff in it that makes cats go nuts actually is supposed to help calm the contractions so they don't hurt so bad.

I remember when I was still dating idiotboy (the first husband), I was visiting his place. Knowing I was due, I had placed a pad in "just in case". I'm glad I did because wouldn't you know, I started. I guess I turned at least 5 shades whiter than normal and doubled up as though I'd been slugged in the gut. He had the nerve to ask..."Does it *REALLY* hurt *THAT* badly?" in that snarky tone he had. Heh. I slipped off the barstool I'd been sitting on and asked "I dunno, would this hurt?"...while I said it I took a swing at his family treasury and stopped a quarter inch from the package....did I mention I used to wear these really long, clawlike fingernails? Yeah, woulda been shishka-idiotboy for sure. I think he got the point.

Rosie said...

You said it Sister! I'll be HAPPY when I no longer have a period!!! what is this Ablation Prodecure? I need me one of those! I sleep with a tampon and 2 pads! Imagine the money we would save on femnine hygeine products! Plus the money you are already saving on cigarettes! You can open a Scrapbooking store!!

blueviolet said...

Baby, you need to hook yourself up to a chocolate drip!

Cullum Family said...

i am so sorry...the only thing that has ever helped has been birth control...even though i do not need it...but i do have a friend getting the abalation thing this month for that very reason...i have tons of sympathy...and guys are total jerks when it comes to this...but if they get a little cold...WATCH OUT!!!

Janelle said...

ugghhh...hopefully relief comes soon!

Kathy B! said...

Three words for you:

Chocolate
Red wine
Bed!

Hopefully Aunt Flo will move on quickly...

annie kelleher said...

im so sorry your periods are such agony for you.. fortunately ive never suffered anything even close to what you describe. i do encourage you to check out the other ladies' ideas and i also encourage you to come over to my blog on eating the angel way for ideas to improve your overall wellbeing... xox.... annie

Brandy said...

I can so relate to this post. My periods were A-W-F-U-L and they just kept getting worse so finally I broke down and whined to my gyno.

She put me on Yaz...this is my second month and I only had 1-2 days of real, honest period with NO pain. Yep, I said it - NO PAIN!

That's the good part; the bad part is that I'm having some spotting issues & it's only my second pack. Until I've been using it 3-4 months I won't know if this is a common occurrence or not.

Men should have to experience this just ONCE to understand the suffering (and ickyness) involved with what we go through every month.

Lizzie said...

i hear ya, i can't wait for the day when they just go away!!!! grab some ice cream, put a movie on and just relax :)

Grand Pooba said...

Well at least you're not the only one that posted about periods today! Meagan at Infertyle Mertyle wrote a similar post.

I feel sorry for you guys! My periods are not bad at all! I'm going to go hide now because you are probably going to come at me with those knives any second.


**Running**

Debbie said...

Wait a minute. You mean happy periods are all hype? I am devastated.

Heatherlyn said...

Periods seem to get worse as we get older :(. I have my tubes tied too, but had to take a low dose birth control pill for an ovarian cyst. Oh my has that helped a TON with all the pain and cramping of my periods. So. much. better. It's the best $5 a month I spend!

I hope you get some good rest. And jammies are perfect!!!

STILLMAGNOLIA said...

Jammies are the best during that time. I have been where you are right now. I would die...or want to...and they were long and hard. I loved menapause...they stopped. Wooo hoooo! My OBGYN and I had just decided to do the hysterectomy thing....when menapause took over. BTW...my husband had to wear a pad last week because he had some surgery done on the back side...LOL...he was so funny...it would turn loose and the sticky part would catch his hair and he would look shocked. I laughed myself silly watching him hop to the bathroom to "fix" himself...he understands a lot more now...and I am loving the lesson! Hope you feel better son...BTW...give up caffeine (coke, tea, chocolate...a day or so before..and the first couple of days)...it worked for me. They did not go away...but they were bearable.

AB HOME Interiors said...

You poor thing. Drugs may be in order. Maybe we should just put you in a drug induced state for the week of it all, you will wake up refreshed, recharged and no recollection at all!

Anjeny said...

Oh Jeannie...I feel ya girl. I'm so sorry you're in a lot of pain. I agree with you on that slogan, it was very stupid and only a idiotic man would come up with something that stupid.

Sounds like that ablation procedure may be a good thing to consider although I've never heard of it before. I think I might give it a chance when the time comes. Good luck girl...I think you should take your pampered chef knives out on your trashy neighbors who are supposed to be gone already, what ya think?

Veggie Mom said...

And just a little aside here. Most of The POPrs Family lives in Neenah, Wisconsin, longtime corporate HQ for Kimberly-Clark. Guess what they make? In fact, one of the original KC heiresses always referred to herself as The Kotex Queen...

babyrocasmama said...

You forgot one...PMS: Putting Up With Men's Shit

Oh my dear, you know I feel your pain. My periods are & have always been horrendous. In HS I would even miss a couple of days each month because of my cramps. They are unbearable.

My Husband doesn't understand. He says I can control my mood swings & don't have to be so bitchy. Ummm, I think he has a death wish. I may fulfill that wish for him someday if he doesn't go buy a damn vowel!

i do suggest you go look into the endometrial ablation.It would help you immensely.

And I think all men should have to experience periods for ONE YEAR. Cramps, PMS the whole bit. Maybe they will have more sympathy for us when they finally understand that losing cups of blood each month depletes your iron levels and makes you lethargic. And that wild hormonal dips make us moody, hungry & in need of some TLC.

I truly hate the fact that our periods are still considered our "curse" or "what we deserve" by some extreme Christians because we are women & descendants of Eve. Boneheads!

And about men having to experience periods...they have a pill to make them bigger, last longer, get it up in the first place, so why can't there be a pill to give them PMS and another one to take ours away? Oh, yeah, it's called tequila...

Yaya said...

Hahahahaha! I'm sorry! This really should be funny! But 'i had my tubes tied' lol! And "happy period"! You crack me up!

Belinda Ang said...

As a woman, I know periods are not always pleasant experiences. But interestingly, recently some lesser-known facts about a woman's 28-day cycle was released through P&G's "Happy Period" movement. (http://www.happyitshere.com)

Apparently, our hair looks great on day 12, we're better drivers on day 7 and am more articulate on day 8!

I guess there's always a good side of things to look at. Especially since this is a part of our lives we can't actually avoid. =)