Please excuse me while I HYPER-VENTILATE!!!

O.M.G.!!!

Seriously!!!!!!

OK, this is going to be a rant. And it's going to be a gross-out rant. So if you don't want to be utterly grossed out, stop reading. No joke - just go now, while you can.

Anyone still here? Last chance......

So....on Sunday evening Thomas gets a phone call on his cell phone. Technically he's still on leave, so his phone ringing pisses me off. (Like it pissed me off every time it rang the two weeks he was on leave!!!) It pisses me off even more that it's 1) on in the first place, and 2) that he answers it. This time it was the housing office. What the what?? The housing office is calling on a Sunday evening??

Apparently there are "bugs" in the building, and they want to know what day this week would be convenient for me to be home to allow the bug guy to come in and look around. Ugh! Of course when I hear "bugs", I immediately think of cockroaches (GROSS!), but I know we don't have them because although I say my house is dirty, it's never, ever, ever that dirty!! So naturally I think of the dirty, unkempt family that lives on the other end of the building, the ones that always have an overgrown front AND backyards and a month's worth of rotting trash on their doorstep. For reals.

Thomas is about to leave for the week on an exercise, and I know that my house needs some work after our trip, so being the natural procrastinator I am, I say Friday is good. Whatever. I may need to clean but I'm not in any rush.

So this afternoon, I get a call from the housing office on my cell phone. They want to know if they can come tomorrow instead. *sigh* Being the procrastinator I am, I haven't "gotten around to" the vacuuming/dusting/bathroom cleaning/laundry that has been needed yet. But he seems rather persistent, so I'm like, fine, just come tomorrow then.

For some reason I'm not even sure of, I decide to ask him what the deal is. What bugs are you looking for? Cockroaches?

No. Not cockroaches. I WISH it were cockroaches. But it's not. It's bed bugs.

OH.EMM.GEEEE!!!!

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Bugger.Shit.Fuck.

While I attempt to absorb that little tidbit of information (read hear that my head is about to explode in panic!!), I take in a deep breath, and let it out in a barrage of rapid fire, machine gun questions. Like, WHAT????? Why are they just telling me this now, when originally they called on Sunday. And why didn't they TELL ME at all, I had to ask? And how long have the known about this??? And what the hell is going on around here???? You know, shit like that.

Apparently, this is really bad. Like really, really, not cool, super duper bad. The dumb bunny who lives in "C" has been here for like five or six months. And has had this problem almost that long. OK, people, when it comes to problems, time is NOT your friend. With bed bugs? Holy shit!!!!! AND....the whole building shares vents. Something else I didn't know.

FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. F-U-C-K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While hyper-ventilating, and swearing, I immediately hit up Google. I'm an "information is power" kind of girl. I'm a "face a problem head on" kind of girl. I'm a freaked out by the little I know about bed bugs kind of girl!!!! But I had to know what to look for and where. I'm not waiting on some bug guy to show up tomorrow!

Gross. Just plain gross, gross, gross!! But I'm armed with knowledge.

I race, or go as fast as my bum knee allows me, up the stairs and strip bare both beds. And check them. Every millimeter of space on my mattresses, box springs and pillows. Nothing. No blood. No feces. No exoskeletons. I didn't expect there to be, because we haven't been bitten. But when you see the photos online, you want to make sure your stuff doesn't look like that!!! Next I check the two couches and chair. I mean really check them. Like flip 'em over and upside down to check them. (And holy shit you should have seen the dust bunnies under there!!!) But no bugs. Or bug remnants. And again, we have no bites or welts.

But still. We.Share.Vents.

As I sat on my couch, sweaty and out of breath from tearing my house apart.....I looked at the vent. The portal. Is it over-reacting to say I wanted to get some tarps and duct tape out and seal 'em up???? Except that 1) that most likely wouldn't even work, even if I HAD a tarp and duct tape, which I don't, and 2) it's kind of like freezing cold at night and we need the heat on. So that won't work.

So I'm 99.9999% sure we don't have a problem. Right now. But what if those disgusting, horrible creatures crawl into my home tonight?? And infest my house?? And suck on our BLOOD??????

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I'm going to be getting all kinds of sleep tonight. Not!!

I so want to punch that stupid woman in the face!

I think I might be over living here. And over living in buildings shared by other families. Other people just so suck sometimes! There are freaking bed bugs in my building!!!!! Freaking out, just totally seems an appropriate thing to do!! That bug guy better speak English, because this chick is going to be asking some questions!!!

Excuse me, I need to go throw up now.