Sunday, July 12, 2009

My Sunday Blessings

Dogs & Cats Edition!

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - (pet nose height).

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king- sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10.Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11.If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!


Mighty M said...

Haha - Very funny! Happy Sunday!!

Niki said...

Very funny and cute! Thanks for posting this!

Happy Sunday!

Mimi said...

OMG, do I love this!!!

Christina said...

Rolling here

Anne said...

I swear that was written just for my dog! I will never understand how a 16 pound dog can take up so much of a queen-sized bed! And yeah, it's really not necessary to cry and bark at the bathroom door - I'll be fine and I will return to you in about a minute and a half. I promise.

LadyStyx said...

*laffin* I don't think Katy would like this...LOL.

AliceKay said...

Cute...very cute. :)

Anjeny said...

LOL...Totally hilarious. What a great way to start a day, thanks for the laugh.

I love the comparison between the pets and kids..especially love the last one, "if they get pregnant, you can sell their children" ahahah, very funny.

Anonymous said...

I love my furbabies!!!

Intense Guy said...

I got to print out the section for posting on the front door. :)

Hugs you and *then* kisses the dog.

blueviolet said...

The good outweighs the naughty every time!

Jeanne said...

So speaks a pet owner!

Heatherlyn said...

I really like your destiny poster & saying. A couple of people came to mind when I read it. :)

Alicia said...

OMG i loved this!! that last line was hilarious!!! you are too funny girl!

Vickie said...

Ha!! My dogs listen to me like my kids do and that is not very good:(

The last one had me rolling!!

Kaylen said...

Love the the words!

I have a parental unit (who we won't name here) who has always made a point to say to me "wow, it smells like cat in here" - almost every time she comes over. It's frustrating. This is my home!! Doesn't everyone have a family smell to their house? I don't think it's cat---I think it's our general house smell. (do cats really smell anyway??)